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there is no point meeting on monday to talk about a relationship. There can never be one between us now even if I wanted one with you, which I don't. Did you really think I would be talked into being a fwb? That's never going to happen. Let it go mother fucker.
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I have done it again. I have let myself be open to the idea of a relationship thinking that is what has been happening, and have been proven wrong. I have known this person for a month, and already they want to involve someone else, which means they think of me as only sex. I guess I was a dummy for ignoring my history and believing that I could be loved by someone. It isn't this person's fault of course. I was very open with them, and honest about my sexual history. They would of course see that as an invitation to try things. I guess the point of this little rant, is that I should remind myself of exactly what my true value is. I am a walking pile of sex only, and to hope for anything else is folly. Lesson learned. Lesson... learned..

The only real surprise here I suppose is that I was so stupidly open to getting hurt by letting someone in. Thank goodness I found this out so soon, so that now I can just switch gears and put this person in the friend zone and move on. I should have known better, and now I feel silly for all of my foolish hope. I was so retardedly happy. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I have always been alone. I was born to be alone. I am a horrible person really, and I know that. I deserve the pain I have caused my self with this little bout of stupidity. I can accept that this is my life's condition. I can do this. Alone. I will never tell them how much this hurts, and how stupidly I have hoped. I will put the walls back up, and just have fun with a new FWB. Lesson. Learned.
Current Location:
back in the shadow of my own making
Current Mood:
Foolish
Current Music:
That which kills the hope
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People linger. Dennis lingers. My dearest love, you sent me a cock shot this morning and asked me to send you a picture of my tits. While I pine, I yearn and I slay myself for causing this meandering narcissism in you, for surely it is my fault, I want more than to be labeled permanently a whore. I labeled myself that for you so that you could hate me and move on, and yet now I pull at the bonds holding me to it. Regret is a bastard.

I wish I knew how to make you stop finding me. I wish I knew how to stop answering you when you call, or how to release myself from the tides of bleeding that happen after you. I seem to want that though, or I would not let myself rehash all of the things I cannot have and will not ever have again after you. How do I make myself believe that there is something better out there than clinging to this awful pain? How do I live here in this half life with nothing to do but relive every moment with you and crush myself in guilty anguish? How can I make the horrors of that single decision go away?

You will never go away on your own will you... I suppose it is my lot in life to sit alone and cry. I did a lot of sitting alone and crying when I was with you, so why would that change after you. So.. No you can't have a shot of my boobs, and I will not flirt with you Dennis. That is the fastest way to be sure that you will go, having assured yourself that I am what I claim, and run away self satisfied that you have always been correct in your assumptions of me.

You see my love, I am both terrified that you will stop pestering me, and also that you won't. I guess that is my nature as well, the duality of my desires. for tonight, I will simply listen the the cure, and remember all those damned islands, and how you saved me so many times, from so many things. I will remember running away from you, because you did not save me, and refused to save us. I will remember trying desperately to be something other than the other half of you, and my failure at that task. I will remember how your hands feel on my skin, and how utterly lost I am without that touch. I will remember how safe and how taken care of I was, and of how completely I destroyed myself when I destroyed you.

I will remember you Dennis. And while I do that, I really hope you don't text me, because you can't handle me when I am like this. You pretend to care and hang up as quickly as possible, and I don't blame you for that, I would do the same. After all, I'm just the crazy whore that you are lucky to be rid of, right?
Current Location:
The place where we were
Current Mood:
depressed depressed
Current Music:
Trust, the Cure
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I have a massive crush on someone who is completely not interested in me. I hate that... and now that I have started losing weight, I keep thinking to myself, "He will want me when I'm skinny... " Stupid right? Oh well... Here's to being single forever..
Current Location:
The silence of the damned..
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
Current Music:
the cure of course silly
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a line from lazarus by porcupine tree... I'm sad tonight. of course I never add anything here if I am not sad.
I forget from time to time that I am not meant to have a normal relationship, and that even looking is sometimes dangerous for me. I looked, I flirted even! He's married. Of course. That's what I get for even asking, silly idiot that I am.

will there never be a time when karma isn't smacking me in the face?

Current Location:
the hell of inevetability
Current Music:
porcupine tree, duh
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Which is of course a line from Pictures of you, by the cure. seems appropriate. I wonder what a personal add from me would look like at the current moment, as I am a messy nightmare at present...

pseudo-single, completely messy, emotional train wreck, with trust issues, seeks independent, adorable yet manly dude, with issues of his own, who doesn't mind my complete independence/clingy tendencies, and is willing to make the whole dinner for sex thing not feel like prostitution somehow, for a mostly sex only relationship, so that I can break up with you after a few months, and then call you whenever I like after an apropriate time for sex only. (As I will not be able to get beyond the whole prostitution thing, and only wanted the sex in the first place, making you doomed from the beginning to be relegated to the random booty call pile.)

haha... wow... Any takers? No? That's what I figured.. :)

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tonight I'm crying again. I have finally made myself free of you dennis. You are never going to contact me again, and I am so glad you are not here making me miserable. I simply got used to you trying. I think I must be sick, I have some weird illness of the brain that makes me want you to try. some freakish need for you to come after me. I'm sorry for it, and I know it is sick. an illness... in my rational mind I know better. I know that you are gone, and am happy about it. I know we don't fit together. I know that your voice is anathema to my wellbeing. I know that any appearance by you is guaranteed to make me insane with pain and suffering. I know this. My stupid heart misses the stalking... How fucking stupid is that?! Yet here I am again crying for the loss of you. The parts of me that are logical and analytical are so glad to be rid of you. what part is it that makes the loss so awful? is there ever going to be a time or place that doesn't remind me of you? I had omaha for a while, but you ruined that last time. You killed it for me, and I can't even go to that city without seeing you in my dad's house, or running into the ghost of a memory of us on a street or in a park. No where in Omaha is safe for me from you, and now sometimes even in my room here on the east coast I am not safe. How do I get the desire for you to go away? please tell me how to be finally rid of you. I cannot keep running from even a memory of you. It isn't healthy. Go away Dennis memories... Go away now. Let me be so I can stop emotionally bleeding. It isn't right. You don't care, why do I? Why... Just go away now... Go away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCLERYzJsYA
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In the 90's there was an incredible amount of burgeoning individuality, and this weird and awesome time in history was my youth. I came of age during the alice in chains/ nirvana/ pearl jam era. And now I can't look at a boy who is short haired and think "wow He's sexy." I imediately go for the long hair, in every instance, and then am apalled by the "Yeah, I live at home with my Mom". What the hell... There are so many different men I could look at and pin my long haired boy obsession on, but Jerry's just so damned interesing.. (Have you seen the look on his face sometimes when he's playing?) The point here being that I must now consider someone as a partner who is not my equal in earning power. That should be ok right? I simply don't want to carry anyone, or be responsible for another human. I am not ok with that. See the dillema? I blame Jerry. He's so long haired, and so able to take care of himself, and so soulfull looking. Of course that could all be an illusion, and he could be an asshole like no other, but I dont' think so. I think I will just have to keep looking at long hairs till one of them looks back like he means it.

Mava
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I can't do this anymore. My life is a series of things I don't understand, and more than that I do not like what I have become. Dennis wins.. I don't like life anymore. I have nothing that would make me love myself, the only thing left in my body is agonizingly hate filled guilt and weakness. My mind is gone, and I have nothing in the world that is pure or sweet or mine. I have nothing that makes me want to be here anymore. I have nothing and no one of my own. I am sitting here wishing I had some kind of plague or something to take me out of this fucking misery of a world. I can't do this anymore. I can't still feel the loss that is Dennis. I can't take it. I am so miserably weak and stupid. I can't find anything in the whole world that is worth being here. I cant' be this person anymore. I'm done.

I am losing the battle today peeps. don't freak out. I will be here tomorrow writing more worthless shit, I am simply losing the battle today. fuck... I wish I had a real gun. dammmit. shooting myself with hannibal or scipio would just sting. and pain I have enough of.

If there was a god or gods or whatever they would find a way to give me some peace and take me the fuck out of the world. I have had enough. I give up. I'm done.
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