and all of the trauma is still there. I am still an anguished mess. dennis... I the one I can't controll my reactions to.
the one I don't hide from, the one who knows me the best and worst.
the one who left me with no more desire, or empathy, or love, or soul
the one who took all of that from me with something as childish as words.
the one who I destroyed.
Were I a fair person I would publish his journal from the divorce, right next to mine from when we were married and then we would have a fair fight as to whom destroyed whom.
I'm never going to be able to feel anything so purely as I feel every inkling whim of his. We look at the same sky and I can feel the way he doesn't care anymore, and I did that to him. I forced this. I lied, I lied and I lied. I lied and I did it because I needed to know that he would let me go... and boy.. I did a good job.
The only truth in this whole aching mess is that he is the only person I have ever loved with the depths of my very bones, and he will always be that. I simply do not have the ability to trust or care for anyone else that way, there will never be any room inside me for anyone else.
The last time we tried this it ended with less words and a larger wound. I had hope you see... and he decided that we werent' worth another real try. The wounds, once re-opened tear a little around the scars. I am undone. for a year I have tried to hide from this, i have shoved it aside and stepped on it and tried like hell to avoid dealing with it. there is nothing left for me. I have to either give up fully on life or deal with this. I cannot go on like this as a shell of a person. I have been and am a charlatain. I am a fool and a destroyer. I am unworthy and impossible. I am as ever...alone, just the way I seem to like and want it.
Dennis, why then do i yearn for you to come and tell me that things are ok, that you didn't mean it, that we can heal. Have we ever done that?
Healing ... that isn't part of this is it? do we go on like this? the walking dead? you will go on thinking that you know what the hell happened, and I will always know that what you believe is the lie I spun to be freee? I will always want something I can never have? (you fucked that line up in your journal when you tried to quote me btw)
Yes... I read that... I wish you had mine to peruse, you may be quite surprised at what you find in it. I think that if there was ever a line I read in yours that rang true, it was that you understood that you were cold, cold and so scared to love me, that you were mean. I believe that one. I lived that one. It rings true.
so much truth and lies and words and failure and flailing. Why can i not heal from this. Why do I have horrible horrible sleep issues now that you are in the world again? Is there truely nothing worse than the knowledge of passion denied? what is the end? I can see us now at 90 years old still afraid to admit that we love each other and still just as stubbornly clinging to the few peacefilled years that we shared.
I ... Dennis I can't do this anymore.
I can't fight your memories any longer
I will not survive another try with you, not that you would ever ask, but it's there.
My mind will not seem to let you go..
it seems like such a short time ago when you said the words, and ever since then I have both not cared about myself, and been on paranoid overdrive.
Dennis... Please, please let me go..
please leave me alone,
please please don't ever stop talking to me, or leave my life.
You understand that hell is loving someone and knowing that while they return the love, it is not enough?
Do you finally know that it is useless to try to understand?
dammit.. Am I never going to be free of the screaming in my pathetic little heart? The guilt? the agony of your betrayal? am I never going to be whole again?
No... I won't. that's the answer isn't it. I will never be whole and sane again. I will ever be this person who isn't able to love another or do anything to lessen the impact of your absence. I felt that the day I left you on that fucking island, and I feel it now on this one.
the worst part? i am the one who orchestrated this slow agonizing death of my very own mind and heart. I did this, and I did it so well... I am the only one to blame here. You see Dennis... I had hope. I had a blinding passionate, fevered hope that you had for once, just for that small fraction of time, started to open up and feel every little inclination of my sky. You fucking bastard. I believed you. I did. Nice job on the set up there by the way. Your revenge was a genious stroke, and I fell for it, oh boy, did i.
I would fall for it again.
I would open my arms with a heart full of love, just begging to be viciously smacked down as I ran to you.
I would let you hit me with your denial and thank you for it after. Because at least the feelings would be real.
at least the pain and bleeding would be honest, they would be true.
this from someone who doesn't believe in truth...
Jesus.... I am a fucking raving lunatic. This is such madness.
this is so much disaster, and horror. flee dennis, run as fast as you can as far away from me as possible, because I will always love you, desire you, and I will hide it and fear your leaving me,and now baby, now I understand so completely what it means to love someone who ran from you.
You ran from me you fucking coward.
just like I fucking ran away from you like a coward.
so now what.
I want you to be happy, I want your approval, I want you, though I know that will never as long as I live happen, and I want things that are impossible.
I will be your friend, and I hope to be your friend for so long as we have breath. I want to at least know that you are alive an happy. I can be a shell and be unwhole and undone and a mess. I can live if I know you are ok. I can do that Dennis, I can do that and try like hell to forget my heart. and I will.. I will do that for you, and for me so that I can be sure that the hell i put you through is paid for fully. I will pay that debt Dennis... forever I will, if you will just be kind to me. if you will just exist in my world some how.
I am as a ship wrecked on the rocks, with no hope of returning to the sea.
I love you still, and that is the madness of a soul. I love and that is the entire problem from start to finish.. Dennis....
You make this all go away, you make this all go away, I'm down to just one thing, and I'ms tarting to scare myself, you make this all go away... I just want something, I just want something, I can never have.
That's the line Dennis It's from a NIN song, and it meant something to me before I knew you... It simply means more now that I added you.
good night "babe"
It's been forever... I never use this anymore... but uh... Hi?
I really wonder sometimes if I will ever be a real live human again. I think there is a little monster somewhere in my mind ripping apart what I know to be my sanity trying to heal. Will there never be any kind of real healing where Dennis is concerned? Is there truly nothing in this life that is worth more, or is emotionally going to be as important to me as he was/is?
maybe I have had my happiness, maybe before the age of 35 I am done with all of the big emotions in life and now I have to go through it a lamp post only turned on certain times of day for the convenience of others. Is that all there is now? am I really going to have stumbled so hard that there is no recovery? Maybe I will. Maybe there are some things in this world that you only get to have once. What is there then worth struggling for? a series of meaningless encounters with people who don't know me, and who I will not ever be able to feel anything other than a fondness for? How do you define an existence lived through before life even really begins? I am superfluous, Unnecessary, and for the most part irrelevant. Find meaning in that? How can one do that without the ultimate nihilistic entanglements, which endanger the mind?
I will let you know I guess if I make it to old age. For now, if you care, I'm struggling. I have been more destroyed by this last go round with Dennis than I thought possible, and now there are no great or grand moments left in life for me.
damn I'm narcissistic...
It has been made known to me that there are some things which I thought universally well known, are not. Thus I am compelled to write them out here, as I am so stunned by this realization.
1. If you like someone, you call them, you make an effort to see them, and you pay attention when you do have them in your sphere, because when you like someone you want them to feel it, to know that you care.
2. If you want to show respect you do similar things, but in the case of fucking several people at a time, what you should try even harder to do, is to make each person feel as if they are special when they are with you. Otherwise the people you are with decide that you are mean/heartless/cruel or indifferent/disrespectfull. If that's your plan, then go for it, however if you want to keep fucking several of the SAME people then stop wondering why they lose interest, it's because you treat them like cum dumpsters.
3. None of the above is difficult. None of it is overly taxing, or beyond the normal human's common sense.
4. Not a one of the above suggestions means that you have to pretend, or to be exclusive or feel like you are restrained or in any way put upon.
5. Is not the goal of being with several people to have a lovely or exciting experience with someone that you genuinely like and respect, and to be able to repeat it, and have the experiences enrich your life, wrather than cause unecessary pain and suffering?
6. If you are simply looking for whores to fuck and dump, then you should know by now that I'm not one. More than that I deserve, and have had from others, much better treatment than you give me.
7. When you act a certain way, people respond to it. Don't expect anyone to beg you for things. No one wants to feel like they have to ask for affection. It is supposed to be given of your free wil.
8. Your behavior is what I base mine on. If you are distant, unresponsive, aloof, and uninterested, I will let you of course, persue people who are more facinating, or to your liking. I don't need you.
I am not even going to apologize for any of this. It's common sense. People like to feel respected and appreciated for who they are by the ones they choose to spend time with. When you add something so intensely personal as sex, there is a whole layer of trust which can be easily broken if it's treated too casually. Be a better person, and start treating all of us, the whole very large group as if we mean something to you, it will work out better for you in the long run.
There is a little black dog who likes to sit between my legs when I'm on the computer, and she's decided that it's warm and lovely there. Weird. No one else thinks so.
Beacause of the crap with dennis i have been pretty damaged, and have let myself be taken in by the unworthy and the ones who are not self or societally aware. I absolutely re-fucking-fuse to do this anymore. I am not someone to be played with or set on a shelf in case you get a better offer. I am worth more, and am a better person than that. I need you not. I pitty my stupid heart it's indulgence in love for you, which I will imedeately and violently destroy. You will never even know this, as you would have to look beyond your own nose to understand that you are hurting people. if you even cared, which you do not. I am merely ranting here because it's what I do. I rant. I rave. I talk it out. I am tired and I refuse to spend even one more day of my life feeling like I am not desired or wanted or liked or loved. You must fucking be insane, if you had any idea.... I like to think you might give a damn, which your actions have proven otherwise. I don't honestly know why I bother.
Why... Why won't you leave me be? Can I never have any peace? I am forever to be tortured by the memories? The way you look at me, the way your hand feels caressing my face? I have to be haunted forever by the memory of the way in which my heart jumped at the sound of your steps? The very fragments of my soul still splitting into shards for laughing eyes so singularly brilliantly amber staring back into mine. why.. why do you do this to me? why are you so far the only man I have ever known who is at the same time worthy and unworthy of me? How am I to reconcile the longing with the knowledge? I know you do not care about saline sliding down my face, and you do not think about the fate of my desolate heart. I know this... at the same time I know that I will never find one like you again, and I lament the struggle for my footing in this world without you. I know that you and I are two who should never have tried.. I know these things. I know them very well. Yet..... I long so for the feeling I had when you wrapped your arms around me and kept me safe and warm. I miss the feeling I got when you looked at me, like a fire startled to life around us and no one could break through it. I miss and long for the voice coming from out of the darkness telling me that I am beautifull... special... Yours. I miss belonging to you. I long for the demands you placed upon my body.. the long hours of torturous love making... ending only when I sobbingly pleaded with you to be satisfied. I long for the laughter and the elation I had when you and I were together, before the fall. I miss the mighty before we slid so far down into recrimination and hate. I miss you so very much Dennis. I miss everything... every look, every phone call, every adventure, every exchange of wild energy when we kissed. I miss it all, I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling like a woman, a lady even. I miss shocking you with my attempts to make life better. I miss mostly the feeling of your body wrapped around mine. I miss you horridly... I long for a single kind word from you. I long to reach out and take your hand. I know that I cannot do that. I know for sure I would never survive another round. I know... I fucking know that I will never be able to love another person the way I love you, I know that because I have never stopped loving you, and I don't think I ever could. I sent you this song one day after you told me to forget it. One day after you destroyed me. One day after the end. One day... I .. I don't think you understand even now exactly what you have done to me. I do not think you ever will know the depths of what you have tossed me into. Here I am a year later, still agonizing over the details of something I knew from the beginning would only cause me further harm, and I cannot regret it. I will simply have to live my life with a shadow lingering after me. a shadow which is what could have been and never will... the memories of what should have never been, and what could have anyway. the shadow will remind me of why I am incapable of giving anything but my body to anyone ever again. The torture of a broken soul.
And yours to me?
I am so tired of being here... I know that I am ok, I also know that I am rediculous. I just had to say it.
Since when is being open, honest and sincerely nice a crime? Seriously, are we all so freaking paranoid that any consideration of another's feelings is considered a bad thing, and only something which should be seen as looking for payback? WtF peeps... Re-evaluate what it is to be human, and accept others for the same conditions under which you operate, before the revolution, or deal with the mob after it.
Have you read "he's just not that into you"? I have. I have and I admit to a certain amount of angst after the whole thing. I like to think of myself as a pretty open and free thinking person. Perhaps if I subscribe to this little book's message I will change my mind and see myself as some pathetic excuse making idiot who is so desperate for human connections that I must tolerate what women allover the world seem to tolerate. The book tells us not to do this, to just chuck any boy who is so uninterested that he isn't actively calling us and making sure we are together and happy every moment of each day. The book would have us believe that if a boy isn't calling you, he isn't interested in you except for sex, and will never respect/love/like you for anything else. What do you think Boys? Is this true? I don't care. I don't think this little book is correct for everyone, I think I may be for those who want to follow social norms. and who have no self identity and who must follow society's stupid idioms. You know what BOOK?! I know a boy, I'm interested in who has called me a total of ONCE in the past oh.. five months, and you know what? It's ok. To hell with you Book and your stupid message. I deny you.